The situation

The First day of the rest of my life. So four years later and my boyfriend and I have an extreme love hate relationship. I swear that it feels like we are together only because we have to be. Our oldest son is 3, it is undetermined if he is J's or G's (read intro). There was no cheating involved just a very quick switch which ended up with two possible fathers for my first child. From the start J said he didn't care and that this was his child. He stuck with me through some tough times and he could have easily said no thanks I don't have to deal with this. For that I will always commend him. He was facing 8 yrs of prison time when we first got together.....I didn't know it at first, by the time I had found out I was already in love with him. Thankfully we got through that whole mess and all he ended up getting was a years probation. Through everything we have been through it almost seems like a waste to split up. J and I have done pretty much nothing but fight for the longest time. Our second child is just now 2 mos. and it seems as if we had grown further apart than ever.
My biggest problems with him is that he smokes pot, and always seems to put himself first. He is one of those guys that blames everybody else for his problems and very rarely takes responsibility. He has kissed my friends before...in a brotherly sisterly sort of way (whatever that is), and does very questionable things that normal people would see as cheating. He is also a very big liar. They are never usually big lies but lies that make him self seem better. And he refuses to make himself a better person or do what it takes to take care of us.
His problems with me include everything. It seems as if I am always at fault. Either I work to much (40 hrs) go to school to much (online) or am to lazy.
At some point in the middle of my prenancy J left me. Not physically but mentally, he didn't seem to want to be with me any more. His friends became the center of his attention. I frequently spent nights alone with my son, or he would be to tired to do anything because he was up until 5 in the morning with his friends. He never asked me if I wanted to go any where and any time I suggested we go any where he was either to tired or he was waiting for one of his friends to get off work. I was feeling unloved, unpretty, and unappreciated ( I was working anywhere from 50-60 hours a week). I was trying to do everything I could to make him notice me and love me a again. It didn't work...nothing did. I ventured away from our relationship. I never did cheat on him, but the way I talked with this other gentleman was inappropriate. I had told J many times that if he didn't start paying attention to me I was going to find somebody else who would. I just wanted to be desired in some way, at this point anyway. I answered provacative questions and flirted a lot. I just wanted to hear somebody anybody say "hey I love you and I want to show you" or something to that affect. That never did happen this other guy really just seemed like he wanted me just for sex and the one I had didn't want me at all. There were times when we would have sex and I would wake up to find him jacking off in the living room watching porn. I just lost myself, being pregnant my self esteem was low as it was. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I handled all the bills on my own, so I alone knew how much money we didn't have and how important it was for him not to spend it on pot. He didn't seem to care though...100% of my check would go to bills 50% of his check would go to bills and then I would still have to give him money out of my check. From then on things just seem to get harder and harder, and the love I had for him turned into resentment becuase the thought of how much better we could be doing if he wanted us to always came and still comes to mind. I sometimes really don't know if I love him anymore, if he loves me anymore or if we are just with each other becuase its easier to be with each other. He doesn't make enough to find a place of his own....I don't make enough to be able to afford a babysitter. So we are going to find out....hopefully the readers will help me.

The Beginning.

At 21 I should not have the drama that I do, and I shouldn't have to worry about the things that I worry about on a daily basis. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We knew each other in school and I hated him. He says he didn't hate me, but he sure made my life a living hell. I moved here at the beginning of eigth grade. Before the school year had begun I could already tellthat I was not going to fit in. My boyfriend had told some people that he thought I was a lesbian. In such a small town word travels fast. The few friends that I had weren't allowed to hang out with me becuase their parents had heard it from somebody else they knew. By 12th grade I was still refered to as the lesbian and people were still surprised whenever they heard that I had a boyfriend. By the time J (my boyfriend) and I had gotten into high school we didn't really see each other and never talked to each other. After 9th grade I didn't see J again until the 11th grade prom. I hadn't even thought about him, for all I knew he was dead. At the prom he was not attractive to me in the least bit. He had and his girlfriend looked as if they were eating each other. After that day I didn't see him until after we had graduated.
Living with my boyfriend G at the time, we were planning our senior trip. The plan was for my boyfriend, myself, M one of his friends, and D one of my friends (and M's girlfriend) to go to NY and go camping for a week. Everything was planned nicely and almost completely paid for.
At the last minute M's girlfriend backs out and decides not only can she not go, she needs the money back that she already put towards the trip. I left it up to M to find somebody to take her place, that somebody was J. The first time I had seen him in a year or so and he was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. Long story short we eventually fell in love and went through some extreme measures to be with each other. 4 years, 4 cars, 3 dogs, and two kids later here we are.